I have this misplaced happiness to me tonight. What that means is that I am happy and energetic for no real reason. Essentially I didn't do anything tonight. Which is not true in the least.

I had my first tutoring session tonight. Same time same place tomorrow. Which was a lot of fun. And then I came home for an hour or so in which time I showered. I then walked down to Now That's Class. My personal favorite bar in cleveland so far. It serves the most delicious fantastic Mac and Cheese on Tuesdays. And its Vegan. Soooo fucking good. Really if I just drank the 1.50 PBR cans, I could drink four cans of PBR and have some Mac and Cheese and leave a two dollar tip for ten bucks. However tonight I went a different route. I first ordered a Strough's, just cause. But the bartender accidentally brought me a different beer. So I drank it for free. Then on Pat's advice (telephonicly of course, he wasn't there) I bought a Dogfish Head Palo Santo beer (12% alcohol.... woo). Some Mac and Cheese and another Dogfish later and I was ready to leave. Three beers, a serving of Mac and Cheese and fifteen dollars later I was on my way home.

On my way there, I was listening to the Killers. They sort of pumped me up. I had this vision of walking on my hands. It was snowing. On the walk back it was raining, and I listened to Wussy (really, best band I've discovered in years. Sorry Matt, Sugarpill just doesn't live up). And I walked on my hands. Quite a bit. I did well for drunk and wet.

Anyways, I've thought of lots to write about. I thought about what people from high school would think if they saw where I am now. What they may have pictured of my future when we were in high school. And then I thought, who the fuck cares. Why does that matter. But it does. Some part of everyones brain registers that. You wonder what others think / thought of you and your future. And then I remembered some stuff Nana told me. And really, it was kind of disappointing to hear. But whatever. To listen to that means I take in account what others think of my life. And while I may hear what others think of my life, I don't think I take it to heart. Because screw them, I'm old enough to have my own life.

I thought (on my walk back) of someone from work. She asked about PJ today. Whom she had met when he was here for a few days back in June. And he accepted a job at my place of employment. It is hard to answer when someone asks how he is doing now. And then I thought for a little bit, because she said she felt bad that the kids in the summer camp scared him off. Which I don't think was the case at all. I told her I thought that maybe PJ felt weird because he was accepted so well. And because it was a good fit. And because, well people had these positive expectations of him. And whenever he has had expectations of him he shies away from from it. Because it is easier to run and hide from expectations than it is to live up to them, or try to live up to them and worry on a daily basis of failing those expectation, of falling short.

Maybe I am wrong. I do know that I haven't spoken to PJ in over six months. And I am waiting for something from him. I mean, he's my fucking brother. If I can forgive friends for screwing me over, I can forgive him right. Maybe its different. I have this higher level I expect from him than my friends, not higher level of achievement, but higher level of honesty with me. I always told people when I was in college, that my goal with PJ was to build/make him a better me. Isn't that what all older siblings should hope for? To influence your younger siblings to learn from your life experiences. But that's from an older brother perspective.

And then I think of what happens after he joins the army. What if I don't have that talk with him before he goes to boot camp. What if I never have that talk with him? What if nothing is cleared up, and he enters the army and something (god forbid) happens and we never sort shit out. I may, currently, be under alcoholic influence, but its a thought I've had many times. I really, really , wish I had an opportunity to get to know my brother better. It was what I was hoping this last summer would be. We always lived our lives apart. We are 8 years separated. And maybe he always felt he let me down. I tried to treat him better than a brother, like one of my best friends. But he never had those growing experiences that my best friends had with me. The kind of experiences that made those sarcastic jokes and slights against each not personal, but funny and uplifting in a way. Kevin could leave me at a K-mart at two a.m. to walk six miles home, but I knew it was Kevin being Kevin, and not care too much. Hell, I laughed about it. I wonder if PJ ever knew that I was being me, and trying to treat him like a friend that knew me. If that makes sense at all.

Anyways, like I said. I've drank a little. I wonder though. I hope, at Christmas this year, PJ takes a moment to approach me and try to settle things. I tried, in Delaware, to talk to him, but maybe it wasn't long enough for me to be removed from the situation and approach it rationally and without some amount of emotion. I mean I talked to him in February of things that had upset me from a year prior. I don't know. Its hard sometimes. Being an older brother. And maybe I'm just drunk, and thinking about it cause some one at work brought it up today. Whatever. Life comes and goes I suppose.