Dreams about a brother

November 15, 2019November 15, 2019 meisajDaily Life

So I’ve been writing about PJ lately in my journal for Marceline. I write about everyone in there. I want something I can hand off to her, as an adult, to sort of read about me, my family and life.

I think that came forward about a dream involving PJ. It was this strange dream that took place part in Queensbury, part on a Boardwalk in Delaware. And PJ was a child, maybe 10 or so in my dream, while I was still an adult.

In the dream we were trying a new ice cream shop, but the ice cream shop only had berry flavored ice cream treats. I am not a fan of berries – pretty much any berry – so anything with berries in it I won’t eat. So my family asks me to watch PJ while they all get ice cream.

PJ and I walk over to the playground of my childhood. This large wooden playground that was behind the elementary school I went to. It was build when I was a child and I remember many times running through this giant wooden structure extremely gleefully only to bash my head off a low hanging wooden beam. But that’s neither here nor there.

PJ starts to run off and play, and someone calls me over. I’m not sure who this guy is, but he acts like we are good friends and I seem to accept that. He asks if I play this video game, and I say no, I’ve never played it. That it isn’t something that interests me. But then I ask him about my phone. I say I downloaded some app onto my iphone (I haven’t had an iphone in years) and it has essentially bricked my phone. All I have is a giant ad on my screen and can’t get past it. I’ve tried restarting it, no avail. My friend says he can’t help me.

My family starts to mosey over from the ice cream shop. They ask where PJ is. I become aware that PJ is trapped on my phone. Stuck in a picture. Somehow he got into my phone and now, because of that app bricking my phone, I can’t show them that PJ is safe in my phone – for some reason in my dream it is totally normal for him to be in my phone.

I start to panic and can’t explain why PJ is nowhere to be found. My family can’t understand what I am saying about PJ being trapped in my phone. All they see is the ad on my screen that I can’t get rid of.

That’s where my dream ends. It wasn’t the only dream I had last night, but definitely was the weirdest.

Getting Rid of Stuff

April 30, 2014April 30, 2014 meisajDaily Life

I’m in purge mode I think…..

I want to get rid of everything to have a clutter free life.

A few years ago I stopped participating in my buildings “Secret Santa” exchange. When someone asked me why I responded “I hate knickknacks.” That’s all you get from Secret Santa…. food and knickknacks. Too many knickknacks equals clutter.

My office is already messy…. I don’t need anything else to mess it up. I’ve got Legos, a Rubik s cube, an Etch-a-Sketch sphere and a student desk filled with games. That’s all I need.

So back to the purge….. Getting rid of two old couches and replacing them with a new couch and new chair was amazing. We rearranged the living room (a little), got rid of some things (small desk, old table, lamps) and bam, clutter free living room. I’m shocked. Now I want it for the rest of the apartment. Our office…. almost there….. bedroom…. may need a little work…. and the kitchen/dining room…. getting there.

But to get rid of stuff means to acknowledge that I don’t need or don’t have a connection. Like the 25 cent end table I moved to Buffalo with. I left its pair in Buffalo when I moved to Cleveland. He’s solid and pretty much indestructible. Now its time to get rid of this guy and I’m torn.

And the cheap coffee table I picked up at a consignment store for a few dollars. Awesome. He comes apart and hides anywhere. But again… no need for it any more. He’s just clutter. But I’ve had these things longer than I’ve owned Angelo. But clutter free…..

It sounds like such a wonderful idea.

Maybe PJ will take them

An unsent letter to my brother

May 28, 2010 meisajDaily Life

I don’t have much going on tonight, I’ve been cleaning and going through old mail I never threw out. I came across a letter my mom sent me full of letters from PJ. To be perfectly honest, I don’t read all the letter PJ sends my mom, she forwards them in batches, and half the time I’m not sure I’m particularly interested in what they say. But I sat down and read the ones I came across tonight, and decided to write this. I don’t have PJ’s address (I’m sure I could find it), so as it stands this is unsent.

____________________________

PJ,

I’m not sure where to start. I mean we really haven’t talked in almost a year. For reasons that are obvious. And yes, I’m still disappointed. It lingers, what can I say. I’ve read some of your letters. Not all. There was a lot. And mom sends them a ton at a time. I hope you’re doing well in the army.

Things here go on as always. Up, down and back and forth. Its been a long year full of problems and also fulls of joy and fun. Cleveland is still a little lonely, but I’m getting more and more used to the city every week.……..

So I don’t know. I don’t know what to write or how to talk to you. I still think of how all I really wanted to do is get to know you. I mean I’m 31 and know jack shit about by brother. That’s all I wanted last summer.
So where does that leave us. I’m not sure. I don’t hate you, I love you, you’re my brother. But at the same time I don’t know anything about you, how to approach writing or talking to you, or even if I really want to. Its strange, but when I think about writing all that comes to mind is vagueness and generalities. I have nothing in detail that I really feel like sharing. You know so little about me and my life that I’m not sure that it matters what I write.

I guess I just want to write to say I do think of you. I do wish we had more memories as brothers, but really we don’t. For the last decade every time I feel like I reached out to you I feel like you shied away from it. Maybe everyone else in the family is fine, but I just don’t know how to approach you yet. I do look forward to someday getting to know you, one of my favorite memories of you is going out to that bar here in Cleveland for beers and playing the trivia and just relaxing together. 23 years you’ve been on this planet, and those two hours together are the highlight of my memories with you. And really that’s all I wanted. To shoot the shit, relax and get to know each other. There isn’t another member of our family that I wanted as a bigger part of my life than you, and there isn’t another member of our family I feel further apart from than you. You’re my only brother.

So again, I’m not sure where this leaves us. I really sat here and tried to think of a what to write to you. You’re my brother. If you needed anything, anything at all, I’d come running. And I mean that. At the same time I feel like I spent my whole life waiting for you to be at a place where our age difference didn’t matter and we could be friends as well as brothers, that we could have experiences together that mattered and build a good friendship around those experiences that could lead to us being closer brothers, and I had thought we’d reached that point; but I guess I was wrong.

When I was 18 and left for college you were 10, and we barely saw each other. When I was 22 and spent a year at home after college you were 14, and we had our own lives. When I was 28, and you were 20, you finally took me up on the offer to come live out in Buffalo with me. But that fell through after a month where we didn’t see much of each other even when living together. When I was 30, you were 22, and I was never more excited than the prospect of us spending the summer together getting to know each other, but that never happened. Now I’m 31, and you’re 23, and you’re enlisted for what I’ve been told is 6 years and I feel like I don’t know you at all, that other than our family connections I’ve got so little to go on. I’ve never had long talks with you about life like I have with everyone else in our family, never talked about shortcoming or triumphs with you. Again, I don’t know, I hope next time around, next time we have more than a day or two together get a chance to build those connections.

I guess, what it comes down to is that, I’m over being disappointed. Despite how I opened this letter, I am. It doesn’t matter what your reasons were; you looked up to me, you were afraid of letting me down, you didn’t like expectations, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I am sad that I didn’t have the time and experiences I really wanted with you to get to know you. You’re my brother. I want nothing but the best for you.

~AJ