So the year comes to an end. And I'll remember 2008 as an awful year. Pat tells me its only been the last few months of my life that have been crappy. And I suppose he's right, but when I think back about 2008 that is what I'll remember.

On my trip to Buffalo from Queensbury I tried staying awake by creating a new playlist. I call it Jenna 12. Over the years I've known Jenna I've made her 11 mix cds. So this one, is Jenna 12. Pat tells me I need a rebound. Reg suggests using the Rubber-Band method to stop thinking of her. Me....I don't know what I need. Anyways, here's a collection of eleven songs that make up Jenna 12.

Name - Artist

If - Drugstore
I Hate It Too - Hum
Let The Reigns Go Loose - Get Up Kids
Acetone - Mudhoney
Everywhere You Turn - Longwave
Thinking About You - Radiohead
The Ugly and The Beautiful - The Real Tuesday Weld
Strange Currencies - R.E.M.
This Is Such a Pity - Weezer
Blue Orchid - The White Stripes
Exitlude - The Killers

Exit 2008. Enter 2009.

It is Christmas Eve. Hurrah.

Its been a long weekend. Not a bad one....just a long one. Friday was our faculty holiday outing. Which really was just a dinner at T.G.I. Fridays (it was kind of sad as far as work place holiday parties go) but it was nice to go out with a group of people out here....even if it was just for dinner.

Saturday I got a haircut. Its short, but then I feel that way every time I get a haircut. LIke its shorter than I wanted. I then headed over to Danny's where she and a friend had made Veggie lasagna and had a bunch of people over. It was good, but as far as gatherings go, I don't enjoy sitting around watching people play video games (especially when its only one person playing the game, and several others not). Her boyfriend had just bought a flat screen tv, and his brother had just brought over a PS3 to give him for a Christmas/Birthday present. So he played a video game while we watched. I left after a little bit of that. But I did see Danny's paintings. Sometimes I'm amazed that people think my doodles are talent, compared to so much else they're junk. But I love my doodles anyways.

Today I sold off my diamond tennis bracelet. I made about what I expected. A decent amount. I bought pizza with my rewards of selling it. I have been listening to the White Stripes a lot. Its strange, their albums Icky Thump and Get Behind Me Satan. Every time I listen through I find new songs I like that I hadn't noticed before. I'm currently playing "Forever for her (Is Over For Me)" on repeat. If you haven't listened to it, give it a try. It's stuck in my head.

I spent the night listening to the White Stripes. Which is deftly reflected in my drawing for today. Some songs I didn't even realize were White Stripes songs. Such as "You don't know what love is" and "My Doorbell" are ridiculously catchy. I'm in a pretty upbeat mood. Which is odd since I've got to crawl into bed right now.

Anyways, I've been trying to eat all the food in my cupboards right now before going grocery shopping again. I'm down to pasta and rice and some oatmeal. Not bad. Plus I eat lunch at work...most days they'll make me a salad or veggie burger if I don't want what they're making. Plus all the fruit I want (I had forgotten how much I liked bananas). So it works out. Like I said, good mood tonight.

It was a strange day. I worked the "Breakfast with Santa" this morning. Came back and napped for an hour or so. Chatted with Pat and Reg online for a bit and then went ice skating. First money I've spent all week. $7 to rent skates and skate as long as you want. Not too bad ( I paid in dimes, quarters and nickels). I can only remember one time in my life that I've ice skated before, and that was a decade ago. I'm sure as a kid (we're talking pre-high school) I may have ice skated a little, but I can't place any memories of it.

So I went ice skating with my friend Danny from work and her friend Mike. It was fun. I am not as awful as I thought I'd be at it. Still don't have that stopping thing down though. But in the 90 plus minutes of skating I didn't fall once. I do however now have a bruise where Danny purposely ran into me on the ice, and massive red chaff marks because I only have ankle socks and the skates rubbed against my calves pretty good.

I came home and crashed pretty quickly after making some food. And then woke up around 3:30 am. Not particularly tired right now. I think I'll play some video games. Kinda in a weird energetic mood. If it wasn't pitch black out and 30 degrees I'd go for a walk or bike ride. However it is supposed to get up into the 50's today and I decided I should go play some Frisbee Golf while I still can. And I keep looking at the Garbage Angels drawing. I like it. Maybe I'll do another color pencil drawing tomorrow too.

A friend at work told me this story about a trip she made through North Carolina. She drove by a place with this big welded sign that said Garbage Angels on it. She said it looked like some sort of art gallery made out of garbage or something.

She told me the story when I was talking about my daily drawings. I do them at work now on my break. She said she paints but is a perfectionist. She told me she has this room in her house that is full of half finished or mostly finished paintings she started, but can't finished. And that's she jealous that I can't just sit down and draw from nothing but my head, that she needs a a picture, or image, or drawing of what to paint.

So here's a drawing I made just based off of the name Garbage Angels. Its probably nothing like the welded sign she saw. But I added the guy welding, a slogan, and a garbage pile with a guy standing by it to the drawing too. I like it.

Day 66. This is good. I like that I have this record of daily drawings. I know I am going to look back this period some time from now and be jealous. Jealous that I cared enough to do this. To force myself to do this. I look back every once and a while at my journals from college. My freshman and sophomore year of college I kept this journal. In a Composition Notebook with blank paper, a notebook Mead doesn't even make anymore. And after I finished the notebook full I never got back into writing journals again. Not in as frequent of a pace as I did in those years. And it's always bugged me. Blogging is one thing. But its not the same.

But these drawings. They're, well they're mine. And I like that. My book I'm using is a hardcover black journal. I bought it years ago for journaling that I never did. I counted pages left in it. I have enough to make to exactly January 1st. How strange is that? So I'll need a new one soon. I'm thinking spiral bound this time so scanning will be easier. I really, really hope that what happened with my journaling doesn't happen with my daily drawings.

For those with no idea of what I'm talking about, my daily drawings are found here.

On Wednesday we had to leave this little writing for our Secret Santa's at work. It was to leave them a hint of who you are by telling them your dream job. I'm afraid I may have depressed my person.

I really thought about it. What do I want to do for the rest of my life. I decided dream jobs are a lie. They don't exist. At least not for me. I thought about all the jobs I've been paid for.

Paperboy
Babysitter
Driveway Sealer
Matt Rat Wrestling Coach
Lifeguard
Swim Instructor
Summer Day Camp Counselor
Odd Job Handy Man
Class Tutor
Teacher Aide
Summer Computer Instructor
Personal Tutor
Bonsia Tree Trimer
Lawn Care
Nursery Work
Substitute Teacher
Suspension Room Monitor
8th Grade Special Education Teacher
6th Grade Special Education Teacher
Conductive Therapy Specialist
Day Care Worker

And none. Not one of them felt like a career I wanted to do for the rest of my life....much less for years in the future. At the same time I've never worked a job that I didn't like or love. Where does that leave me? The dream job is a lie. It doesn't exist and I'm positive of it. At least not for me.

The weekend came and went. And it was good. Not without its pitfalls and setbacks, but good. And I'm back now.

I was just listening to the Sheila Divine. A fantastic album if there ever was one. I've written about it several times. And it brought back these memories of another lonely time of my life. The summer of 2000. I was working in California, specifically at Stanford at ACE Computer camp.

I had returned there not knowing what to expect. There were about 4 other people I knew returning. One I was specifically looking forward to seeing. However anything I expected to return to didn't exist. And I felt pretty lonely. Not just from her, but from multiple angles. I felt like I was getting screwed at that job, asked to take on more responsibilities than others, felt set apart from others ( I didn't drink, others did) and really, just felt alone.

And I did stupid stuff to make up for it. I went out all alone till all hours of the night. I would take the train into San Francisco early on some mornings and not return until the last possible hour. Then I'd just walk around. I picked up skateboarding, which eventually led to me skateboarding a hill on a stupid dare, and that led to hitting a parked car with my face, followed up by some rolling downhill, also on my face. Which led to seeing my chin bone (bones really are a nice bleached white color). Whenever I skateboarded I listened to the Sheila Divine. There were good times out there. I did go out with friends on occasion. But a lot of nights, I just felt lonely.

Anyways, its been two long, long weeks. I'm going to Buffalo this weekend. I'm positive I can't afford it. But I'm going anyways. I need to have a good, happy, carefree weekend.