I'm hoping Cleveland has discovered its sand trucks today. Saturday they seemed to forget that when there is black ice all over the roads you should put some ice or salt down. I drove to a friends' graduation party, and it was all black ice on the way there, and when I left almost four hours later, there were still no trucks out. I know we've had it easy here in Cleveland so far as winter weather goes, but it was December 19th, they've got to be ready.

It was so bad I was driving under 15 m.p.h. and tried a slowed stop and slid into the curve regardless. Redunculous.

Its that time. New decade is starting. So why not list some top memories. Missing from my list are things like "family memories" and "9/11." In terms of personal memories standing out to me, they didn't make the list.

I made a top five memories list, so here are twenty five memories with no particular order.

Dan Fight (almost fight)
"Same place talke" with Mim
1st day of work at KMS
1st big break with Jenna
Driving cross country with Sean
Angelo (he rocks)
Driving cross country with Alena
1st alcoholic drink
2nd visit to the Essex
Living with / Reconnecting with Rollin
Living with Reggie (he actually moved
Mike's Wedding
Appendix / Near Death
July 4th 2003 (first big frisbee golf experience)
Fight with Reggie (verbal)
Jasper Death
Halloween 2009 (ok, Nov 1) - relevations
Jan 1st, 2009 (renewal)
Summer of 2002 (the great QBY summer)
Brian Legg Dumptruck Experience
Dad getting hit by a car
Los Angeles trip (another almost death experience)
10 year reunion
Winter 2008 Depression
Nov 2008 fight / break up

Top 5 (no order)
Last talk w/ Alena
Alena and were roommates, former lovers, and friends. Anyone that helped define my college years knows about Alena. She was a big part of my life. What I didn't realize, was how big a part of her life I was. I can count on my hands (one hand really) how many people I feel like I've really hurt. I think I really hurt Alena. And I do feel bad about it.

Summer of 200 in California
This was a summer I spent alone. And you know what, I enjoyed it. I had a good time. I had some friends at ACE this summer, but I spend a majority of my downtime skateboarding, and walking around San Francisco by myself. I went crazy dying my hair this summer. I also broke open my face in a skateboarding accident. But mostly, I felt alone. And it wasn't bad. I foudn that I was ok and happy with it.

Night after Derek's Wedding

Sitting with Pat and Dan in Founding Father's, pretty drunk, we all looked at each others lives, and found them equally sad. We talked about how we should all move somewhere and start over. I was the only one that took it seriously. This night might not mean much to them, but it meant a lot to me. I decided I wanted to move. Really move. And it got the wheels moving in my head, and I thought about it, and went with it. And the two years since, haven't been easy. Not even close, but I wouldn't go back on it.

Meeting Jenna
That first night I used some corny line, something like "I'm not staring at your tattoo, just looking at your ass." It might have been the other way around. I don't know. Jenna has more than anyone else defined and impacted the last five years of my life. Really. And I wouldn't change that either. She has, is and was a ginormous influence behind a vast amount of my decisions and accomplishments. Angelo is because of Jenna. Visiting Chicago (I love Chicago). The ups and downs and rollercoaster of my life, has revolved around Jenna for a long time. And I wouldn't change it. It got me to where I am now. The later half of the 2000's, was all about Jenna.

Pat Fight
How do you make best friends? Really, think about it. For me and Pat, we had to fight to get over that just friends part. Pat got drunk and decided we needed to be better friends, and based off a violent kids show he was watching at the time, that was by fighting. I'm not really sure how that logic works, but it does. We had been friends all through college. Not great friends, but friends. I don't think we ever really had hung out, just the two of us, much before. But Pat tackled me, and left knuckle bruises on my forehead, and we instantly became best friends. Through the ups and downs of the 8 years since that happened I have to say we have become better friends. He's there to talk when I need to, and I'm there for him. And when he gets drunk and has stupid ideas, I'm there drunk with him. Its how we roll. And that is how you make a best friend. Or at least it worked for us.

I took this wonderful mini-vacation last night. Which was needed. I was exhausted all day long. Actually I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't even nap during my lunch break (I was so tired, but just couldn't sleep). After tutoring (that ran long til 7:30), I got home around 8 and just relaxed. No phone calls, no internet, no im's. Just read my book, ate a decent dinner, watched a bunch of old House episodes and passed out around midnight (which snuck up on me).

This of course has left my living room slightly messy, and I really have to do a load of laundry sometime soon. But its so damn tempting to do the same tonight and just take another night off.

Iran. I had a dream last night that I was in Iran. I was on the run from their government. I hid out in a bathroom during a huge rally for the government. In my dream I am solving a Rubik's Cube. I never seem to get anywhere in the dream. I am running in circles and I am being chase. I don't die, I don't figure out why I am being chased, other than that I'm an American. The really weird thing is, in my dream, I can't remember how I got to Iran. I do remember running along a bridge over a canyon or river or something, and there is a lift on a cable next to me and people are taking pictures of me.

In other news, I cleaned my carpet today. I took a deshedder cat brush and raked my carpet. I was astounded at how much cat hair was embedded in my carpet. I try to vacuum at least once a week and I like to think my vacuum is decent, but there was a lot. However my carpet is much much softer now and nicer on the feet.

I ate about a gazzillion Mrs. Fields White Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies last night. By a gazillion I mean four. Since only 8 came in the box. Happily I had two more two more with my coffee this morning. Ohhhh I'm fat. Makes me want to bake cookies today. Soooo fat.

I scared off my cat this morning. I feel bad. It was Angelo. He came up to me as I was sitting and having my coffee and went to nuzzle my hand. Then a nice blue arc shot from my hand to his nose and he went running. I think he's under my bed. The static electricity has been crazy in my apartment lately.

Oh, and I fell asleep on the couch last night watching a movie (Empire Records...woooo). Anyways while I thought it was clear I must have missed a battery. In the middle of the night it rolled its way up my pants leg. Soooo weird finding a battery down your pants when you wake up. And for everyone snickering right now with hilarious thoughts going through their heads, looking at you pat, its from a pencil sharpener I bring to work, I emptied my bag out on the couch last week one night. However I have notice my drive home from tutoring brings me right past the Cleveland Vibrator Company

.

Anyways today, well shower time. Then I'm heading out to the West Side Market and then off to the bank. Or reverse those. I came into work about a month or two ago with food from the market for lunch and the front office has been hounding me to bring them some fruit ever since. Its more a running joke but it is the holiday season after all.

It was a long, slightly amusing, slightly tiring day, and I'm pretty exhausted right now (although I have decided I should at least step out of my apartment and have a beer somewhere tonight). My car preformed admirable in the cold, even if the speedometer froze again (its kind of weird, it makes a hideous noise while driving until it thaws). But it did well.

I made it home, opened a beer and did the dishes. And decided to sit down while eating dinner and do my daily drawing. I did this drawing of dice on the top half of the page, and hated it. I did a quick drawing of a stick figure at the bottom, and loved it. I've been listening to the Killers tonight (and most of the week). They have this duality going for them where they can excite you and make you sad at the same time. Which is ok, because coming home I was energetic and tired at the same time. I'm not sure how that works.

Anyways, this is just delaying me going out (to be honest I don't particularly feel like going to a bar anymore), maybe I'll just go for a walk in the cold. I'm feeling really warm. My ears are red and on fire. A walk in the cold will help. If I feel like it then I'll stop at a bar, if not I'll just pick up some junk food at the store and come back. I want to watch Empire Records tonight. Gotta get that going.

In other news looks like I never have to worry about prostate cancer. I drink at least six cups of coffee on most days.

i wish i'd see a field below
i wish i'd hear a rooster crow
but there are none who live downtown
and so the day starts out so slow
again the sun was never called
and darkness spreads over the snow
like ancient bruises
i'm awake and feel the ache
but i wish i'd see a field below...

i wish i'd see your face below
i wish i'd hear you whispering low
but you don't live downtown no more
and everything must come and go
again the sun was never called
and darkness spreads over the snow
like ancient bruises
i'm awake and feel the ache...
but i wish i'd see a field below...
~Regina Spektor

I like that phrase, 'ancient bruises.'

I'm going to bed.

Feel a little useless tonight.

I have this misplaced happiness to me tonight. What that means is that I am happy and energetic for no real reason. Essentially I didn't do anything tonight. Which is not true in the least.

I had my first tutoring session tonight. Same time same place tomorrow. Which was a lot of fun. And then I came home for an hour or so in which time I showered. I then walked down to Now That's Class. My personal favorite bar in cleveland so far. It serves the most delicious fantastic Mac and Cheese on Tuesdays. And its Vegan. Soooo fucking good. Really if I just drank the 1.50 PBR cans, I could drink four cans of PBR and have some Mac and Cheese and leave a two dollar tip for ten bucks. However tonight I went a different route. I first ordered a Strough's, just cause. But the bartender accidentally brought me a different beer. So I drank it for free. Then on Pat's advice (telephonicly of course, he wasn't there) I bought a Dogfish Head Palo Santo beer (12% alcohol.... woo). Some Mac and Cheese and another Dogfish later and I was ready to leave. Three beers, a serving of Mac and Cheese and fifteen dollars later I was on my way home.

On my way there, I was listening to the Killers. They sort of pumped me up. I had this vision of walking on my hands. It was snowing. On the walk back it was raining, and I listened to Wussy (really, best band I've discovered in years. Sorry Matt, Sugarpill just doesn't live up). And I walked on my hands. Quite a bit. I did well for drunk and wet.

Anyways, I've thought of lots to write about. I thought about what people from high school would think if they saw where I am now. What they may have pictured of my future when we were in high school. And then I thought, who the fuck cares. Why does that matter. But it does. Some part of everyones brain registers that. You wonder what others think / thought of you and your future. And then I remembered some stuff Nana told me. And really, it was kind of disappointing to hear. But whatever. To listen to that means I take in account what others think of my life. And while I may hear what others think of my life, I don't think I take it to heart. Because screw them, I'm old enough to have my own life.

I thought (on my walk back) of someone from work. She asked about PJ today. Whom she had met when he was here for a few days back in June. And he accepted a job at my place of employment. It is hard to answer when someone asks how he is doing now. And then I thought for a little bit, because she said she felt bad that the kids in the summer camp scared him off. Which I don't think was the case at all. I told her I thought that maybe PJ felt weird because he was accepted so well. And because it was a good fit. And because, well people had these positive expectations of him. And whenever he has had expectations of him he shies away from from it. Because it is easier to run and hide from expectations than it is to live up to them, or try to live up to them and worry on a daily basis of failing those expectation, of falling short.

Maybe I am wrong. I do know that I haven't spoken to PJ in over six months. And I am waiting for something from him. I mean, he's my fucking brother. If I can forgive friends for screwing me over, I can forgive him right. Maybe its different. I have this higher level I expect from him than my friends, not higher level of achievement, but higher level of honesty with me. I always told people when I was in college, that my goal with PJ was to build/make him a better me. Isn't that what all older siblings should hope for? To influence your younger siblings to learn from your life experiences. But that's from an older brother perspective.

And then I think of what happens after he joins the army. What if I don't have that talk with him before he goes to boot camp. What if I never have that talk with him? What if nothing is cleared up, and he enters the army and something (god forbid) happens and we never sort shit out. I may, currently, be under alcoholic influence, but its a thought I've had many times. I really, really , wish I had an opportunity to get to know my brother better. It was what I was hoping this last summer would be. We always lived our lives apart. We are 8 years separated. And maybe he always felt he let me down. I tried to treat him better than a brother, like one of my best friends. But he never had those growing experiences that my best friends had with me. The kind of experiences that made those sarcastic jokes and slights against each not personal, but funny and uplifting in a way. Kevin could leave me at a K-mart at two a.m. to walk six miles home, but I knew it was Kevin being Kevin, and not care too much. Hell, I laughed about it. I wonder if PJ ever knew that I was being me, and trying to treat him like a friend that knew me. If that makes sense at all.

Anyways, like I said. I've drank a little. I wonder though. I hope, at Christmas this year, PJ takes a moment to approach me and try to settle things. I tried, in Delaware, to talk to him, but maybe it wasn't long enough for me to be removed from the situation and approach it rationally and without some amount of emotion. I mean I talked to him in February of things that had upset me from a year prior. I don't know. Its hard sometimes. Being an older brother. And maybe I'm just drunk, and thinking about it cause some one at work brought it up today. Whatever. Life comes and goes I suppose.

The heat is again cranking in my apartment. I actually opened up windows tonight. I mean it 32 degrees out and I have windows open because my apartment was so warm.

Regardless this night has gone on forever. I looked at my clock at 8 thinking it must be near ten. However it did motivate me to clean up the living room. In my quest to keep a clean apartment the living room has suffered a little. But the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom stayed clean. So its not too bad. I'm still doing well though. Keeping up with the clean apartment goal.

After cleaning I decided to do some yoga on the Wii Fit. I haven't used it in a while, and baring any real exercise I decided ti would be good to stretch out. Despite not doing too much lately, I am sore all over. Since I am lacking anyone to give me a back massage I thought I'd stretch and do some "yoga." Half an hour, not bad, I might try to keep it up as something regular.

At the beginning of this entry I had some sort of narrative in my head. Some place where it was going. I don't anymore. Lost it. Oh well.

Wait, no. I remember. The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special is not what I remember it being. I refuse to like any He-Man special where Skeletor decides to be a good guy because its a holiday. I mean he was protecting and carrying a puppy. And protected little kids. Screw that. It makes me want to burn my fleece vest from Cross Country Skiing that I had "Skeletor" put on instead of my own name. It was a let down. To make up for it I am currently downloading the Star Wars Holiday Special. I am sure it will be a highlight of my life.

Warm toothpaste. Is there anything more weird? My medicine cabinent sits on the wall above a radiator. The lower shelf in the cabinent has my toothbrush and toothpast on it. During the last week or two, while the heat has been cranked in my apartment, the toothpast has been warm lately. It weird. Really weird. I expect that when I put my toothbrush in my mouth it isn't going to be warm. Maybe it wouldn't bug everyone, but I moved my toothpaste to the top shelf this morning.

In othere news..... WHAT THE HELL OSCAR. Use the fucking litter box. And stop jumping all over shit. Yesterday he crapped outside of the box (I knew it was him, I saw). I wake this morning to an ungodly smell, and a another load outside the box. Then heading to my coffee maker, I notice it has been knocked backwards and water is all over the place (my coffee maker is on a tv tray, easily jostled). While I can't prove it was him, I'm pretty sure Angelo isn't physically capable of jumping up that high. And now I have to buy new filters because all of my filters were on the tv tray, and are now all soaked. Oscar's gotta go.

The blue spark that goes from my key to the doorknob every time I come home and open the door is a nice welcome home. Its a bright brilliant blue. Just a little energy. And although my hallway is lit up, I always try to imagine what it would look like in the dark. I wonder if I could get a picture of it.



I love my pig oven mitt. I picked it up at Target a few years ago for a dollar. Maybe its a sign of insanity, or loneliness, or creativity but I was playing with it the other night. I had a whole imaginary conversation with an oven mitt. It was fun. Apparently he doesn't think much of my life but thinks I'm a nice guy.



I made a pizza for dinner tonight. I had a crust I stole from work (I say stole, but really its not stealing when they say 'take it'). I covered it with alfredo sauce, some garlic, a little bit of chopped onions (I don't even like onions but I thought it would go good), tomatoes and cheddar cheese. I must say it looked fantastic, and tasted amazing.

Not sure what 'it' is, but all of sudden I have this urge to escape it. For me that means going for a walk. I've been up since nine, and am drinking some cofffee, just mae a lunch, about to shower and leave this apartment behind me. About twenty minutes ago it started to bug me, whatever this it is, and I need to get out.

So I'm going out for a walk. I've got my change counted to buy a coffee or soda or whatever on my walk. Maybe I'll down to the lake.

I spent about $900 today. More I think.

I paid my rent. $560. I expected that. Then I went to the book store. Half Priced Books rocks. I spent about an hour there. I walked with two sketch pads. One to keep up my daily drawings in. Another is a journaling sketchpad. Do a drawing on one side, write on the other (that one was on sale). I also picked up a copy of a book I had lost. Well, that Reg had stolen. All in all I spent $19.00 there. I feel good about that for walking out with two big sketch books and new book to read.

I am sitting at a light, waiting to turn left. As I go to turn all of sudden my car is about nine times louder, and is shaking a little. I pull over and see that the exhaust pipe hanging down under my engine. Memories come flashing back from my last car, Jasper. Jasper died when the exhaust pipe broke off in the engine (there is a great story about car advice my dad gave me that night, I'll write it up sometime). Luckily, Anti-Japser (my car now), was broken in the pipe, not the engine. I drove to a Midas and they managed to fix it in about ninety minutes, for $335.71. It wasn't all bad. I was talking to this girl named Leah in the waiting area. She was driving to New Jersey tonight. I told her good luck, and retold my story about driving back to Queensbury for Christmas last year (an 8 and 1/2 hour drive took me 12 hours).

So yeah. I spent over $900 today. And what do I have to show for it. Two sketch pads and a book. And I'm spent til next pay check (Christmas presents may be late this year). So I'm home watching movies and doodling, and having a well deserved beer.

I had two dreams the other night. Bizarre ones.

The first had Danielle Gordon in it. That's right, high school (although most of my memories of her are from middle school for some reason) Danielle Gordon. Which is more strange than ever because I barely think of her. We did work at the Y one summer together. Not really together, and now that I think about it I'm not even positive it was her at the Y, we worked in different age groups of the camp.

Anyways. I parked my car in the parking lot of this bowling alley / skating rink (roller skating). I run inside looking for someone. The front of this center is a giant dining hall filled with guests at tables. In the back is where the bowling alley and skating rink are, and where the girl I'm looking for and Danielle Gordon is (I'm not looking for Danielle, I'm looking for someone else). I find the girl I'm looking for, she's only ten, and she's unconscious. She apparently had information I was looking for, and Danielle was laughing because she saw me coming and knew I wanted to talk to the girl, so she knocked her out. I try explaining how important the information is, and how people (or something) is chasing me. Danielle doesn't care, and I ask her how I can get the information from her.

Danielle challenges me to some sort of game. You have to throw red cups at these buttons on the ceiling. Danielle goes first, she throws three red cups and hits one button. I go, and inside am screaming at myself at how impossible it is, but then throw and hit three buttons with three cups. Danielle is stunned (as am I). She tells me what I need to know (but I don't remember what it was, just that I knew what I needed to then). I turn to leave and see cars pulling into the parking lot. Its the people (things, whatever) looking for me. I know for some reason they can't get out of their cars and come in, but I also know I have to leave.

Some part of me knows that they only showed up because I found out what I needed to know. But I turn to Danielle and ask if she called and told them I was there. And she saws yes, she didn't understand the situation and called before I ever made it to the back of the hall. I decided to run for it to my car. The parking lot is big, and I think by sneaking from parked car to parked car I can avoid the people (things) looking for me that are circling the parking lot. I make a few cars before they spot me and I break out into a full on run towards my car. They are coming down the lane in the parking lot towards me in their car and.....

I wake up. I fell back asleep not long after and had another weird dream. This one had both John Travolta and Janeane Garofalo in it.

I was a cop, or marshall or something. I knew the police where chasing me. On of them that were chasing me was John Travolta. He chasing me to an above ground subway train. I run up the stairs and he is shooting at me. And while I think the bullets of the gun he is firing at me will kill me, they leave pink paint stains on everything they hit, like it was a paint ball pellet or something.

I run up what seems to be 30 stories of stairs, all while being shot at. I get to the top and jump onto the outside of the train as it takes off. Travolta is too late to get on the train but just laughs as he shoots pink bullets at it. He says he'll get to me on the way around. I look around and see what he says is true. The train track is only a block or two around, a perfect square of train tracks 30 stories in the air with only one stop.

The perspective switches to Travolta. Other cops are around him waiting for me to come around. When the train comes around I'm not on it. In the distance you see me sliding down one of the pylons holding up the tracks. I have on thick black gloves so my hands don't get burnt as I slide down.

At the bottom I land there's a big indentation in the ground where I landed. Pink bullets splatter all around me as I take off running. On the other side of town Janeane Garofalo is a cop in a squad car. Her partner and her are listening to everything Travolta is doing. They are with him. Its some sort of rebellion of the cops. An old man tries to confront them and she gets out and shoots him. Its leaves a giant pink bullet on his chest and he dies. There is also a big indent where he fell after being shot, like where I landed. I come running up the street and hear Garofalo saying he's dead as I run by.

Two weird dreams. Two weird dreams that I remember vividly in one night. Strangeness.

I had this dream last night with zombies in it. But they were slow stupid zombies (ok they were kind of slow, and a little stupid, they are a little like the zombies in the movie Fido), but really couldn't open doors or catch you, heck, in my dreams most zombies were afraid of any reasonable intelligent human.

It took place at my little brothers high school graduation party in my parents house. If you have seen my parents house you know the back yard is pretty big and fenced in. My parents told me that I had to go "clear the garage of zombies." I get out there and some of the zombies are even family members (sorry Angie, you're a zombie. Bonus is that Steve was too). I go out and basically get a broom and shoo all the zombies into the back yard. They are talking to me telling me how they'd like my brains and I just tell them to move it. I'm not even pissed that Angie is a zombie, until I see Angelo in the corner.

Apparently cats can be zombies too. At least in my dream. And I'm pretty livid. Angelo is an indoor cat, and he's supposed to stay inside. In my dream he was just fine, but someone had let him into the garage. So I'm immediately upset at the people in my house, and the zombies in the backyard for zombifying Angelo. I decide I have to kill Angelo because he zombifyed and I don't want him to live like that. He was skittish but I manage to pick him and up and put him in a kitty choke hold (Reg taught me this years ago). Angelo's a zombie and doesn't need to feed so I pick up a rock and bash him on the head (how else do you kill zombies).

Angelo is now limp in my arms and I'm pretty upset. AND THEN HE MOVES AGAIN. I drop his body and hear Angie laughing as she watches me from the backyard (damn zombie Angie, always laughing at me). I get a shovel and give Angelo the bashing he deserves (to put him at peace). Then I go inside and start screaming at everyone there. I'm pissed off and they all know it. I then go outside and open up the door to house and the garage and the backyard (letting the zombies get from the backyard to the house) and pick up Angelo and go to bury him.

That was my zombie dream. And I remember a ridiculously large amount of it. I didn't even watch a zombie movie last night. I watched Mulholland Drive. Oh well. Interesting way to start the morning.

PS - Maxim Afinogenov made his 11th goal last night. Leading the Thrashers to a last minute victory. How many Sabres have 11 goals this season? Oh thats right, none. Screw you Sabres for trading my favorite player. Eat it. (although I'm still a Sabres fan, but come on, go Max)